Eccentric Personalities
by shaping-up-to-be-pretty-ood
Summary: Much to the Doctor's surprise, Jack comes back to the TARDIS one day, and the Doctor is about to introduce the charming captain to River. But as it turns out, there is absolutely no need, because it seems that Jack and River know each other pretty well already. Just maybe not in the way the Doctor would've hoped.


"Doctor! You scoundrel, long time no see! I like the new face!" A big mass of muscular man slammed the Doctor into a crushing hug before he had time to register who it was. But when the man's lips came crashing down on his enthusiastically, he knew in an instant.

Jack.

He wanted to ask how he'd gotten into a locked TARDIS, but the sound of a gun powering up and his wife's voice stopped him short.

"Who are you and _what _are you doing with _my _husband?"

The Doctor was about to explain while River descended the stairs, but it turned out there was no need. Within seconds of turning around, Jack had drawn his gun and shouted, "_YOU!" _at the suddenly seething River.

She stalked closer and raised the intensity on her gun. "I could say the same of you, Harkness! Why aren't you dead?!"

The Doctor weakly mumbled, "Oh, I see you two have met. How nice."

"You mean you actually married this psychotic Siren, Doctor?" Jack didn't take his eyes off River.

"Yeah, and saved the universe at the same time, how 'bout that... Why did you call my wife- who I love _so. Very. Much.-_ a Siren?" He said it like he was reminding himself that he loved River, so he would not shout at her for threatening to kill one of his best friends.

"She attempted to seduce me, then _stole _my squareness gun! And left me for dead on some godforsaken planet with volcanoes erupting all over the place! Do you know how uncomfortable it is to be killed by lava? I must've died eight times before I finally got out!"

"You still call it a squareness gun?"

"Of course I do, that's what Rose called it in London. But she stole it from me!"

_So _that's _how she had it at the Library._

"Seduce you?!" River shrieked. "As if I would even _think _about sleeping with a stupid American like you!"

"Well sex and guns are two things I am _very_ serious about!'

"As if I'm not!" (The Doctor blushed at this.) "I'm not the one who was trying to run a con on the first pretty girl I saw!"

"As if you're the first pretty girl! Did he ever tell you about Rose and Martha? _They _were some pretty girls!"

"Harkness, I swear to everything that's ever been considered holy if you don't shut your damn mouth I will _shoot you in the face."_

"Pretty girls travelling with the Doctor strike a nerve there, Song? Should've seen Sarah Jane, that woman was _always _a gorgeous piece of-"

River took a swift step forward and unleashed a powerful left hook on Jack's face, dropping him to the floor instantly.

"Oh my god, River," the Doctor moaned in a rare scathing tone. "What the _hell?"_

xXx

River didn't take her eyes (or her gun, for that matter) off the handcuffed captain until he slowly shook himself back into consciousness and nearly yanked his arms out of socket trying to stand up.

"Song!" He spat bitterly. "Do you really think I can't get out of cuffs?!"

"I was hoping that my gun pointed at your face might dissuade you from attempting."

The Doctor still looked on quietly, wishing there was a way to rectify the situation without his wife killing him... again. Or worse, banning him from the bedroom. He didn't really want to understand _why_ they were at each other's throats and snapping so viciously, but he _really_ wanted them to stop. Jack was usually such a carefree and happy-go-lucky guy, so to see the man flamingly furious at anyone, let alone his wife, was strange. The only thing he could think of doing was leaning up against the console with his arms crossed and not saying a word. He thought about all the better ways to resolve the issue, rather than Jack handcuffed to the railing on the console platform with a gun trained on him. And River looked downright dangerous, almost like a crazy maniac. What was he talking about, of course she was a maniac, she was a psychopath. But he could've handled it so much better than they seemed to be. "River..." He mumbled, his voice with a warning edge to it. She shot him a champion glare that clearly told him to shut up, and he rolled his eyes back at her. They were being foolish and acting like young children, which was odd for him to say given the fact that that sort of behaviour usually fell to him. In what he thought was a very mature course of action, he began to set the TARDIS flight pattern for a planet he knew would hold the ultimate solution to their silly little problem. He glared at River when she asked him what he thought he was doing, and replied, "This still is _MY _TARDIS, dear. Just because you're related to her doesn't mean you're in charge of her." River sniffed indifferently and went back to bantering with Jack, making the Doctor roll his eyes _again._

Being the mature one sucked.

xXx

"So where are we?' River wrinkled her nose at the sound of the brakes wheezing. She had always hated that noise.

"Don't ask questions." The Doctor was uncharacteristically curt, peering out the front door for a moment, then dejectedly walking back to sonic the handcuffs open so Jack could spring to his feet. "_Don't _touch each other. Don't even look at each other. River, give me the guns. All of them. And I know where you keep all your guns, so don't think I won't search you if you miss one." He held out his hands after slipping the screwdriver back into his jacket, waiting patiently until there were six or seven guns piled in his hands, including the squareness gun. Jack lunged for it and the Doctor shot him a stern look that stopped him immediately. Putting them all on the console out of reach, he pointed to the doors and barked, "March."

xXx

"No. _No. _Doctor, you did _not."_

"Yes, Jack, I did. If you two are insistent on bringing guns into Sexy- which I'll remind you of what happened the _last _time you fired a gun in here River... You know, we nearly choked to death, accidentally saved Hitler's life, he shot you, you killed me and Amy and Rory almost _died-_ then you were just asking for this to happen. So _yes,_ I took us to the planet with the best realistic experience first person shooter games in the entire universe to my knowledge, and you two are going to settle your ridiculous differences by shooting each other in a world that doesn't exist so I don't have to clean up the blood."

xXx

They really _were _furious with each other. The Doctor was just strolling through the game world, following River and Jack's progress. River, as he found, was incredibly inventive on creating ways for people to die horribly, which didn't worry him as much as he thought it should. At least their actual bodies were safe from harm in the control facility, laying in the gel-beds seemingly unconscious. While actually renting out the server they had all to themselves was a bit spendy for the two hour shift, it was definitely worth it to watch the near-perfect digital replicas of River and Jack practically tear each other to pieces in their fits of spite. River, he noticed, had an unfair advantage, seeing as she could run faster, harder and longer than Jack could hope to, courtesy of her Time Lord DNA. Specifically her hearts. She was absolutely gorgeous while doing it too, her mane of wild hair bouncing about her havoc-wreaked face. He had to hand it to the computer programmers, this was amazing software. She caused pixelation blur, which he imagined annoyed the programmers who were monitoring over all the games, but the program was running perfectly otherwise. He grinned as he thought about how much blur he could create if he ran as fast as he could, how much discord among the brainiacs in the monitor rooms that would bring about. He figured that no one needed a heart attack today, and he really didn't want to reveal to the facility that he was a Time Lord. There were plenty of two-hearted species in the cosmos, so he let them assume what they wanted. He heard a strangled cry as Jack died yet again a few hundred yards over, followed by River's pleased laugh. He chuckled lightly himself and kept walking, hands in his pockets. Jumping slightly when Jack spawned behind him and clapped him on the shoulder, he took note of how dirty Jack's face was, yet how pleased he looked.

"You married a real firecracker, Doctor! I'd like her if I didn't hate her so much." He grinned charismatically before jogging off to restock his weapon supply back to its former predeath glory.

The Doctor shook his head. Jack was right, of course, but it didn't stop it from being funny. River was quite hotheaded.

Her victory laugh sounded again, this time accompanied with colorful swearing in a harsh American accent. Maybe they would eventually get over their aversion to each other and get along. He wouldn't mind having a little extra help flying the TARDIS, especially from the two people who really knew how to fly her.

But as he heard resounding gunshot, a brilliantly swear-worded and insulting description of Jack and a wet-sounding explosion followed by cackling laughter, he knew that they would never _really _get along for as long as they both retained their eccentric personalities.


End file.
